Sales are going along steadily. Then you get a sudden urge to limit your income.
- Maybe your spouse is spending too much money, and this will provide a valuable lesson.
- Perhaps you’re worried about paying too much in taxes.
- It might be that you want to eliminate the headache of what to do with all that extra cash.
Whatever the reason—and I bet it’s a good one—you want to kill your sales.
If you’re an author or publisher, you came to the right place to learn how to do it.
Following are several possible solutions.
(1) Naked Cover
No, not naked people, a naked cover. (Though if you wrote a book on conservative Christian values, naked people on your cover might work, too.)
What’s a naked cover? It’s a plain white cover with the title and author name written on a tiny font so that you can barely see them—like the one below.
Thirty years from now naked covers will become the new trend, and you’ll be complaining, “Hey! That was my idea!”
(2) Toga Party
Edit your book so that customers think, “That’s Greek to me.” Literally: Pay a translation service to rewrite your book in Greek, then upload the Greek file in place of the English one.
However, if a large portion of your target audience actually speaks Greek, maybe you should try Egyptian hieroglyphics instead.
(3) Pure Jibberish
Change your blurb so that it’s completely unintelligible. For example, you might rewrite it in Morse code, using burps and hiccups in place of dits and dahs. For example, it might start out something like this:
Burp hiccup hiccup. Burp burp burp burp. Hiccup burp hiccup hiccup.
Hiccup burp burp. Burp burp. Hiccup burp burp.
Hiccup burp hiccup hiccup. Hiccup hiccup hiccup. Burp burp hiccup.
Hiccup burp burp burp. Hiccup hiccup hiccup. Hiccup! Burp burp burp burp. Burp! Burp hiccup burp?
On the downside, your blurb might make perfect sense to drunk or buzzed shoppers. But there is always the hope that they will return their books after they recover from their hangovers.
(4) Insult to Injury
Insult your reviewers. Of course, you have to sign on with an account where you use your real name so that everyone knows that you are, indeed, the author.
Unfortunately, you can’t just drop F-bombs in the comments. Otherwise, Amazon may remove your comments and this will lose its effectiveness.
No, you must be clever. Insult your customers in such a way that they feel, “Why, I never!” But do it in such a way that your comments don’t appear to violate the review guidelines.
Perhaps something like, “Thank you for taking the time to leave that glowing, five-star review. I’m surprised that someone with a pea-sized brain was able to comprehend my literary genius.”
Some people don’t read the comments, so you have to go all out. Comment on every review, from one to five stars. Leave 300 or so comments after each review. When customers see that each review has hundreds of comments, that may draw their interest.
Go to every customer discussion forum you can, make it crystal clear who you are and how to find your book, and insult the daylights out of everybody there. That will attract more interest in your reviews, and, hopefully, add hundreds of one-star reviews to your product page.
Though some customers may feel pity for you and buy your book anyway.
Create a formatting nightmare as follows:
- Place your cursor in the middle of a paragraph and encourage your toddler to play with the keyboard for a few minutes.
- Indent your paragraphs from the right side.
- Align your text so that it’s ragged left. (See the image below.)
- Rotate an occasional page 90 degrees. Don’t worry if part of the text gets cut off.
- Double space every other page.
- Use italics, boldface, underline, and
strikethrough(all four at once) on an entire chapter. Preferably Chapter 1, so it shows on the Look Inside.
- Add dialog tags to every word of dialog. For example: John said, “Good,” then said, “morning,” and added, “Jane.” Then John said, “How,” to which he added, “are,” and finally, “you?” Jane began her reply, “I’m,” and ended it with, “miserable.”
- Insert a random watermark, like the word REJECTED, onto every page of the book. (Find an example below.)
- Hold down the Shift key and press Enter after every heading so it expands to fill the margins.
- Cut your pictures in half horizontally. Paste the top half on one page and the bottom half on the following page.
- Vomit on the floor, take a high-resolution picture of it, scan the image, and insert it in your book immediately following the copyright page. (If you receive an invitation to post that page of your book on the wall of an art museum… well, then, maybe your book was just destined to sell after all. Stop fighting fate.)
Sorry, satisfaction is not guaranteed. You should have read the fine print before you initiated action.
(Of course, if you want to be boring, you could just hit the button to unpublish your book, but that would be like cheating. Show some ingenuity!)
Copyright © 2014 Chris McMullen
I’m confused. Is this an actual thing people do?
I sure hope not. 😉 Just my feeble attempt at a little humor.
I’ve seen a few indie authors do it unintentionally, so I wouldn’t be surprised if someone went nuts and tried a public self-destruction.
Or it could be punishment for losing fantasy football…
lol I was actually reading through this and hoping I had NOT done any of these things…phew! (wipes forehead) 😀
Well, if anyone has, I’d actually like to check that book out. 🙂
It would be a good laugh…or cry, depending on how it affects you. 🙂
These are some great tips! Sometimes I’m sitting in my living surrounded by piles and piles of cash, and I think to myself: Michelle, one of these days a pile of crisp $100 bills will topple down onto you and kill you where you sit. What an inelegant way to go. There must be a solution! And you, kind sir, have provided in spades. Have you considered compiling these tips into an ebook and publishing it? You could put your “kill your book sales” tips to good use by actually using them to kill your book sales!
That’s a great idea. I could create 100 different editions to try out 100 different ideas. 🙂
And then each edition would be 101 pages long. Page 1: title page. Page 2: the idea. Pages 3-101: teasers for the other editions.
This made me laugh! Thank you for the humor. lol
I’m glad you enjoyed this. 🙂