Category humor

Aug 21 2013

Prepositions: To End With

What’s this silly rule for?

We can break it if we want to.

It’s something you can do without.

Especially, when it sounds odd to get around.

 

Would you ask, “Up is what?” instead of “What’s up?”

Or, “Over, come,” rather than, “Come over”?

Or, “I below am,” over, “I am below?”

Or, “Off get!” versus, “Get off!”

 

Well, we could instead completely change the sentence over…

But why? What’s the original really suffering from?

Will it really set your work above?

Enough; I’m finally through.

Apr 27 2013

Murphy’s Laws of Writing

Writing

(1) You are more likely to be interrupted when you’re in the middle of a very deep thought. Silencing your phone, sending the kids out, and disabling the doorbell simply inspire Murphy’s creativity.

(2) Your muse will abandon you whenever you need her the most. But don’t worry: She’ll return as soon as you become too preoccupied to write.

(3) Your best ideas are most likely to come when you don’t have anything to write with or to write on. You’re also likely to be frequently interrupted between your moment of inspiration and the moment you’re able to jot it down.

(4) Whenever you correct a set of typos, you introduce some new ones.

(5) The fewer words you write, the greater the chances that there will be a glaring typo.

(6) Your worst typos are most likely to occur in the most prominent places, such as the first paragraph of the book or the book description.

(7) It’s much easier to see somebody else’s mistakes than it is to find your own.

(8) Not checking your preview or proof is like waving a large red flag with Murphy’s name on it.

(9) If you’re not sure about something that you’re writing, but don’t take the time to check, it will probably be wrong. However, if you do take the time to check, it will probably be right.

(10) The more people who read your writing, the greater the chances that there will be an embarrassing mistake in it. Presenting it to a large audience via PowerPoint improves the odds.

(11) After submitting revisions, if you quickly thumb through your book, your eye is very likely to spot a typo.

(12) The more frequently you check your sales report, the more likely you are to be disappointed.

(13) The more frequently you check your book reviews, the more likely you are to be disappointed.

(14) You’re much more unlikely to see a sale post on your report while you’re spending money.

(15) A good review is 100 times more likely to disappear than a bad review.

(16) One stupid comment that you make in the most remote corners of the internet is far more likely to generate publicity than anything else that you do.

(17) If you only have one copy of your file, this improves the chances that the file will become corrupt. The closer the book is to completion, the greater the odds.

(18) If all of the versions of your file are stored on the same computer, this improves the chances that the hard drive will crash.

(19) If you download a program to help with your book without paying attention to where the file is saved, it will be buried in the least obvious place.

(20) If you need to revise your book, but didn’t keep track of the location and name of the most recent file, you’re more likely to reintroduce old typos when you correct new ones.

Chris McMullen, self-published author of A Detailed Guide to Self-Publishing with Amazon and Other Online Booksellers (Volume 2 now available)

Mar 11 2013

Lost! One Hour — Please Return! $$ Reward!

Missing: One Hour

Description: 60 minutes, 3600 seconds, 1/24 day, looks a little shorter while having fun and a little longer when bored

Last seen: 2 a.m. Sunday morning, March 10, 2013

If seen, please contact the owner.

$$ REWARD $$

Mar 10 2013

TV Golf Tactics

So you’re closely monitoring the scorecard of your favorite golfer online hole-by-hole while you wait for golf to come on t.v. You’re very anxious because he’s in the top 10.

When it finally comes on t.v., it doesn’t. Nope, there’s a basketball or football game going on instead. Golf will finally come on when the other sport finishes.

But that’s okay because there is only 2 minutes left. Except for the fact that the last 2 minutes of basketball or football takes more like 15 minutes.

They even call a time-out if they’re down by 50 points with 1 minute to go! What’s the point of that time-out? To prolong your misery? If it’s a close game, then I would understand.

But then if it’s so close that it ends with a tie, it goes on for another 15 minutes, which of course means a half hour.

Eventually, golf actually comes on. When it does, what’s the first thing they do? Come on, guess. I’ll even give you a few reasonable choices:

(A) Show highlights of Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson

(B) Discuss the weather and how it will impact the course.

(C) Immediately begin by showing the golf.

(D) Do something totally unrelated.

Yep, you guessed it, (D) is the correct answer: The first thing they do is take a sports break to tell you what wonderful things are going on in the world of basketball, football, or hockey.

Wait a minute! Didn’t I just turn on the golf? Is this the wrong channel?

Attention, golf announcers: We turned on the golf to watch golf (as difficult as this may be to believe). If we wanted to know who won a basketball, football, or hockey game, here’s a thought: Maybe we have already watched it!

I can’t remember the last time I was watching basketball, football, or hockey and they took a 10-minute break to tell me what was going on in golf earlier that day.

So when golf finally begins, the player you were watching – who was doing really well when you were following the scorecard online – has since made a few double bogeys and is now totally out of the competition.

Now that the golf is finally on, you don’t even want to watch it.

But I guess this works, otherwise why would they do it?

Maybe if I included 20 pages about baseketball in the beginning of my books (which have absolutely nothing to do with basketball), I will start selling more books. 🙂

With this in mind, I may as well include information about one of my books after my name, even though that book has absolutely nothing to do with golf (nor any other sport). What better way to symbolize the irony, huh?

Chris McMullen, author of A Detailed Guide to Self-Publishing with Amazon and Other Online Booksellers

Mar 5 2013

(P“u‘n,c;t.u?a!t-i–o”n)

Go go go go, slow, v-e-r-y s-l-o-w, slow, fastfastfast; break away, slow, pause, stop. Go go go (aside) go go go – tangent – go go go stop.

State. Exclaim! SHOUT! whisper. Question? “Quote, ‘Quote within unquote,’ unquote,” end.

justletthewordsflow