All Books Go to Heaven

Anne’s book proposal was accepted by a small publisher. They printed and distributed 500 copies, and that was the end of it. But those books found readers, and some of those readers enjoyed the story.

Bill wrote a book that didn’t quite fit into a well-defined category, and so it went largely unnoticed. Still, a few strangers appreciated the novel concept.

Cara published a controversial book. Several non-readers stoned her book with bad reviews. Yet many people who opposed the opinions of the stoners still read the book supported it.

Dave made a simple, humble cover for his book, which didn’t attract much attention. However, those who read it learned some valuable lessons.

Erin’s writing had some grammatical mistakes, but she couldn’t afford an editor. Still, those who read the book were amazed by the vivid characterization.

Finn felt personally attacked by a negative review and couldn’t refrain from commenting on it. Unfortunately, this attracted a mob of negative reviews. Sales continued, albeit much less frequently, and many of the customers experienced very passionate emotions while reading it.

Gwen didn’t realize that her book was selling for twice the average price of similar books. Yet the brave customers who invested in her book found it very useful.

Hank’s title didn’t seem to fit the genre. But his readers laughed several times during the book.

Inga couldn’t find the courage to share her work with the whole world. However, her family cherished it wholeheartedly.

John wrote his book in Pig Latin, which deterred many potential customers. But some readers who spoke Pig Latin fluently enjoyed the chance to apply their knowledge.

A book doesn’t have to be a bestseller, or have a fantastic cover, or be traditionally published, or have hundreds of five-star reviews, or be written with Pulitzer-Prize style, or be praised by a major newspaper – in order to be a good book. A book can humbly achieve a much milder form of success and still be a good book.

A book is something that an author is sharing with the world. The book may share experience, it may share powerful emotions, it may share vivid characters, it may share a great plot, it may share helpful instructions, it may share much creativity – there are so many wonderful things that a book can share. A reader somewhere just needs to appreciate something that the book is sharing, and that book will go to Book Heaven.

The better the writing and editing, the better the sharing. The better the cover, blurb, and marketing, the more people the book is shared with. There are ways to increase and improve the sharing.

Writers do the sharing, with hopes of readers who will do the caring.

The better the sharing, the more the caring.

Share a few books. Care for many books. But try not to scare them.

All of the people described in this blog post are fictional characters. Any resemblance to real authors or books is purely coincidental.

Chris McMullen, self-published author of A Detailed Guide to Self-Publishing with Amazon and Other Online Booksellers

Book Fashion – Judging a Book’s Clothing

Would you show up to an interview wearing sandals, a Hawaiian button-down shirt, and sunglasses? Would you go to the beach in a tuxedo?

The answers to these questions might seem pretty obvious, yet several books are actually dressed for the wrong occasion. The cover and title are the book’s packaging.

If you’re shopping for cereal, you’re far more likely to pick up a box that catches your eye if it has a picture of cereal in a bowl and includes the word CEREAL somewhere on the box. If you see a box in the cereal aisle that has a picture of a breakfast bar on it, or if it has the word BAR in large letters, you’re probably not going to pick this up if you really want cereal.

When an action thriller has a cover that looks like a romance or the title sounds like a whodunit, it’s like trying to sell cereal inside a box of oatmeal.

It probably still seems pretty obvious, yet it’s also pretty common for the title or cover not to reflect the true nature of the book. Many indie authors, especially, tend to make this mistake. It’s an easy mistake to make. It’s not as obvious as putting cereal in an oatmeal box, but the effect is roughly the same.

How do you know what the package is supposed to look like? Check out the bestsellers in a given genre. Those are the types of covers that readers are accustomed to seeing. Putting the right outfit on the book doesn’t mean copying the cover concept from another book. It does, however, mean taking the time to do some research to explore what features are indicative of the genre.

A couple on a cover often signifies romance, for example. Yet even here it gets a little tricky. A romance author who wants to use sex appeal on the cover has to be careful not to make the cover look like erotica. On the other side, a young adult romance cover will look somewhat different from an adult romance cover.

The title should also be appropriate for the genre. If the cover says, “I’m a mystery, come solve my puzzle,” while the title says, “I’m a romance, let me add some spice to your life,” this mixed message can greatly deter sales.

Once the packaging makes you pick up a product, you start to explore the details. You might check out the ingredients or read the product description, for example. The table of contents specifies the book’s ingredients, the blurb is the product description, and the Look Inside offers a sample.

The blurb and Look Inside must reinforce what the cover and title suggest the book is about. Otherwise, it’s like wearing flip flops and a suit together.

Don’t confuse your potential readers. Don’t settle for a cover just because it looks nice, or a title just because it sounds good.

Print out your cover, hide the title, and show it to different people who have no idea that you wrote a book. Ask them what type of book they think it is.

Show people your title (nothing else – so these can’t be the same people who saw your cover) and ask them what they expect the book to be about.

Now get new people to read your description all by itself, and see what they say.

If you’re getting mixed messages, this may have a very significant impact on sales.

It’s not the fashion police you should be worried about if your book is caught wearing the wrong outfit, if the colors clash, or if your book doesn’t accessorize properly. It’s the potential sales that you may lose that should get your attention.

I could have titled this blog post, “All about Bikinis.” This blog may have had many more views if I had done that, but then nobody would have ever reached the end of this blog (except those few who may have been so desperate to find the product that had been advertised).

Chris McMullen

— A Detailed Guide to Self-Publishing with Amazon and Other Online Booksellers

Formatting Pages for Publishing on Amazon with CreateSpace

How to Cook a Book

Ingredients:

26 letters, uppercase and lowercase (A to Z and a to z)

22 punctuation characters { [ ( , ; : . ! ? – – — “ ” ‘ ’ ~ * / ) ] }

12 keys (Enter Backspace Ctrl Shift CapsLk Tab Esc Home End PgUp PgDn Delete)

10 digits (0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9)

10 fingers (2 thumbs 2 index fingers 2 middle fingers 2 ring fingers 2 pinkies)

8 opinions (great good okay neutral unsure poor bad awful)

7 days (Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday)

6 degrees of separation

4 arrows (right left up down)

2 genders (male female)

2 cents

1 word processor

1 keyboard

1 dictionary

1 thesaurus

1 mouse

1 pillow

1 editor

1 mind

1 heart

1 soul

 

Recipe:

Blend heart with experience.

Infuse soul with character.

Combine mind with knowledge.

Mix 1 mind, 1 heart, 1 soul.

Stir occasionally.

Seat mind, heart, and soul at 1 word processor.

Add 1 keyboard and 1 mouse.

Pour in 26 letters (uppercase and lowercase), 22 punctuation characters, 12 keys, 10 digits, 10 fingers, and 4 arrows.

Separate contents with 1 dictionary and 1 thesaurus.

Create protagonist, antagonist, and other characters in 2 genders with 6 degrees of separation.

Remove 5 degrees of separation.

Mix characters thoroughly.

Press Backspace and Delete repeatedly.

Write more.

Edit and revise.

Scream!

Give up.

Resume.

Edit and revise.

Send to 1 editor.

Cry into 1 pillow.

Stir with word processor.

Send back to editor.

Cry into pillow again.

Stir with word processor.

Seek 8 opinions.

Receive 9.

Earn 2 cents for each opinion.

That makes 18 cents.

Cry into pillow.

Edit and revise.

Send back to editor.

Cry into pillow.

Format, format, format.

Send back to editor.

Scream for joy!

Publish.

Promote.

Sell.

Scream for joy!

Promote.

Receive 5-star review.

Scream for joy!

That makes 20 cents.

Promote.

Receive 2-star review.

Cry into pillow.

That makes 22 cents.

Stay away from word processor for 7 days.

Promote.

Receive a compliment from a complete stranger in person.

Cry for joy.

Write next book.

 

Secret Recipe:

3 parts heart, 1 part brain.

40 years life experience.

Mix thoroughly.

Infuse with passion.

Enjoy!

 

Chris McMullen, self-published author of A Detailed Guide to Self-Publishing with Amazon and Other Online Booksellers (and Formatting Pages for Publishing on Amazon with CreateSpace – coming soon)

Giving Birth to a Book

A book is the author’s baby from the moment of conception. It starts out as an idea, then a single uppercase letter. It grows into a sentence. Then a paragraph. A page. Chapter 1. Eventually, the structure is complete, but even then it continues to develop through formatting and revisions.

The author carries the baby book in a file for several months. The file is saved in multiple versions on the computer, email, and jump drives. The author is a parent who will do anything to protect the book baby.

A month or so prior to the due date, the author will have a book shower, where several of the author’s friends and family will provide valuable feedback that the book will need in its early development. The writer must also shop for the book’s clothes, like a cover and professional editing services.

After several months, the author gives birth to the book by publishing it. This is an excruciating process, which can take a very long period of time. The author may actually put more effort into the birthing process than was put into the writing itself. The writer may also become very moody during this period, with sudden emotional outbursts. Most modern authors prefer to take some medications to help ease the pain and steady their behavior.

Once the baby book is born, the author nurtures it through continued editing and provides for it through a serious marketing campaign. Since most writers serve as single parents for their books, they provide both the tender loving care and the financial support for the book.

Surprisingly, as long and arduous as book-birth and book-rearing are, most authors will provide several siblings to accompany their first-born books. A few writers, who are either sterile or just prefer not to have their own book babies, may become editors or publishers, serving as foster parents for books. Those who are ready for a bigger commitment may become librarians or start a bookstore.

Yes, authors’ books are their babies. They love them, they cherish them, they watch them grow, and they protect over them. If anyone says anything negative about one of their books, it’s no wonder that they become so emotional over it. It’s like saying something bad about one of their kids.

But authors must remember that all books seek independence. The books want to live their own lives, and want to stand up for themselves.

Chris McMullen, self-published author of A Detailed Guide to Self-Publishing with Amazon and Other Online Booksellers

What Was that Indie Author Thinking?

1. “If anyone complains about the grammar, I can hire an editor later.”

– You can edit your work later, but you can’t remove the bad reviews.

2. “My cover might stink, but the content is good.”

– People won’t notice the content unless they first notice the book.

3. “Let me just publish the first chapter to get some feedback about my writing.”

– Would you go to the video store to rent just the first scene of a movie?

4. “Opinions from my friends and family aren’t biased.”

– Do you trust the views expressed in infomercials?

5. “I’ll respond to that review to show everyone how wrong it was.”

– You’ll be showing everyone how wrong it was, all right. Just the wrong ‘it.’

6. “People will judge my book for the ideas. Spelling and grammar don’t really matter.”

– There are over a million well-edited books to choose from. Why choose one that isn’t?

7. “It looks perfect on my screen so the ebook will look perfect, too.”

– Get ready for a big surprise!

8. “Where can I buy some reviews?”

– Did you just ask that out loud? Even worse, did you just type that on Amazon’s community forum?

9. “Why doesn’t Amazon market my book for me?”

– What about the other twenty million books? Should Amazon market all of them?

10. “Why were my reviews removed?”

– Did you write them yourself? Did your friends or family write them? Did you exchange reviews with another author?

(Note: These weren’t quoted from real people, but do simulate many opinions that hundreds of indie authors have expressed.)

It takes much time and effort to write a book. First, you need a great idea. Then you have to iron out the details. The writing itself is a monumental task.

Most indie authors do put much thought, time, and effort into their books. This blog wasn’t written to try to disparage the self-published author. Rather, it reflects how much more work is involved in publishing a book than just writing.

Traditional publishers have editors to improve and perfect the writing, graphic artists to design an attractive cover, and experience with marketing. The self-published author who has finally finished the time-consuming project of writing the book is suddenly faced with all of these responsibilities.

The indie author began his/her project because he/she loves to write. Someone who excels at writing often doesn’t also excel at editing, cover design, marketing, and – this is so important! – public relations. For the person who loves to write, writing is by far the easiest part of publishing.

We can understand the common mistakes that many indie authors make. Unfortunately, people tend to dwell on mistakes, and the mistakes help to give self-publishing a bad name.

There are many quality self-published books, though; and it’s natural for people to enjoy the exhilaration of discovering a gem. A significant percentage of book customers are themselves indie authors. If you add to this number their friends and family, there is a large population of potential customers who may be willing to support the self-publishing concept.

Although it is possible to understand the common mistakes that many indie authors make, the bottom line is that the customer expects a good product in return for his/her investment.

Chris McMullen, self-published author of A Detailed Guide to Self-Publishing with Amazon and Other Online Booksellers

A Silly Little Space

One little press of the spacebar can make a huge difference.

One  teensy  weensy  little  extra  space  was  added  between  the  words  of  this  sentence.

See the difference?  It’s just a space.  What does it matter?

How many spaces do you use after a period before starting the next sentence?  A very common answer ─ even among well-educated people ─ is two.  Those same people tend to be very surprised to discover that publishers actually use just one space ─ not two ─ after periods.  That’s right, if you don’t believe it, you should start pulling traditionally published books from your bookshelves and inspecting them.  If you look closely, you’ll see that there is just once space there.

Most of us were taught that there should be two spaces after a period.  Historically, the reason for the extra space has to do with the typewriter.  The trend of adding this extra space continues today – as many teachers continue to teach what they were taught.  This extra space is actually a good idea for teachers:  Just like double spacing an essay, an extra space after the period leaves a little more room for annotations on students’ papers (specifically, a correction note for capitalization at the beginning of a sentence of punctuation at the end).  Teachers are also probably used to seeing this extra space, and so it may look strange to their eyes to suddenly see one space instead.

The problem is that so many people who were taught to use two spaces in school are now self-publishing books.  Thus, the two-space trend has entered into the publishing industry.  Here’s the thing:  Traditional publishers use one space, not two.  If you want your book to look like a traditionally published book, then one space following a period is the correct answer.

Look, I’m a two-spacer myself. I have used two spaces in every paragraph of this blog, until now. This paragraph just has one space after the period. The paragraphs that follow also just feature one space. Compare the paragraphs to see the difference.

Which do you prefer? You could say that it’s just a matter of style. It’s an aesthetic quality. Right?

Wrong! If you publish ebooks, the correct answer is to use just one space after the period – not two. Why? Because the text displayed on ereaders may occasionally show a formatting issue when two spaces are used instead of one.

Word processors, such as Word, accommodate the extra space nicely. If a sentence happens to end at the end of a line, Word will hide the extra space. This is convenient because many teachers require this extra space on essays or lab reports.

However, ereaders often do not hide this extra space. When a sentence ends at the end of a line and a new sentence begins on the next line, the extra space either appears at the end of the first line (making it appear to end short compared to the other lines) or at the beginning of the next line (making it appear to start late compared to the other lines). So if you want even margins in your ebook, use one space instead of two after periods.

Stuck in the old ways? So am I. Here’s what you do: When your manuscript is finished, use the Replace tool to collapse two consecutive spaces down to one. (And if you can retrain yourself to use one space instead of two, your thumbs won’t have to work quite as hard to type a book.)

You may be interested in an article called “Space Invaders.” It’s the resource that enlightened me. Here’s the link:

http://www.slate.com/articles/technology/technology/2011/01/space_invaders.html

Chris McMullen, self-published author of A Detailed Guide to Self-Publishing with Amazon and Other Online Booksellers

Image

Infinitely Long Title

Infinitely Long Title

Picture created by Chris McMullen

This is the Title of This Self-Referential Blog Post

This is the first sentence of this blog.  Here is the second.  The sole purpose of the existence of this statement is to declare that this blog is written in self reference; this expression explains that a sentence written in self reference refers to itself.

This statement is bold.  THIS UPPERCASE EXCLAMATION CRAVES ATTENTION!  Why is this question italicized?  The answer, or lack thereof, is underlined.  this sentence which is not capitalized lacks punctuation

This powerful sentence commands you to read it.  This shy sentence hopes that you don’t read it, but if you do, begs that you will read it very quickly and then not read it again.  This mean sentence suggests that the previous sentence is not really shy, but is actually craving attention because if it were truly shy, surely it would not be so long.  This apathetic remark doesn’t care.  This depressing thought regrets that it was written.  This philosophical comment believes that it has always existed, but only materialized physically when the author typed it; and also believes that it will continue to exist long after every trace of it has vanished from the universe.

Can a question answer itself?  Can a question answer itself?  Is this question rhetorical?  Yes!  What is the point of this question?

Thissentenceshasnospaces.  Ths n hs n vwls.  Tthhiiss oonnee aappppeeaarrss iinn ddoouubbllee.  This one is written twice.  This one is written twice.  Th;is o,n,e i/s fu-ll o’f pun(ct)ua!ti?on.

This paragraph no verbs.  How that possible?  Where the verbs?  This paragraph sort of like madlib without the blanks.  Please some verbs here.

Two fragments can.  Make a whole sentence.  This run-on is like the Energizer bunny it just keeps on going and going and going and you might want to look ahead to see if it will ever stop and see if there is a period coming because it could wind up being like a bottomless pit once you begin reading it you might wind up reading it forever if it doesn’t have an end and then you would spend an eternity stuck in an infinite blog which would just be awful but fortunately there is an end in sight and here it comes.

This personified sentence, which suffers from anxiety, timidly expresses the hope that you, the reader, have enjoyed this blog.

The last sentence of this blog acknowledges its creator, Chris McMullen, who is the self-published author of A Detailed Guide to Self-Publishing with Amazon and Other Online Booksellers

Attention All Book Zombies: Time to Snap out of It!

You could be a book zombie without realizing it.  Maybe you didn’t know there was such a thing.  How do you know if you are one?  Is it bad?  If so, is there a cure for it?

If you find yourself wondering about these questions, then you’ve come to the right place.  This article will help you determine if you’re a book zombie, and, if you are, how to return to the world of the book living.

It’s time to take the book zombie quiz.  (What?  Nobody told me there would be a quiz!)  Relax:  You don’t have to study for it.

(1) When you see a list of search results, do you prefer a book with a title that is short and catchy or long and detailed?

(2) Which color combination do you think would look nicer on a book cover:  navy blue, baby blue, and plain white or dark purple, dark red, and bright orange?

(3) Would you rather have the book description be short and sound very interesting or be long and highly informative?

(4) Do you want the beginning of a story to invoke emotions within you or to let you read passively?

(5) After you finish reading a book that you like, would you like to see recommendations of other books from others who enjoyed that book?

Time’s up.  Make sure that your name is at the top of the page and pass it forward.

You’re probably ready to go over the answers now.  But the book zombie quiz isn’t about the answers; it’s about the questions.  (Aren’t you glad that you didn’t study for it?)

Most people don’t like it when a telemarketer calls during dinner, when a salesman interrupts a walk through the park, or when a commercial comes on just before the good part of a movie.  As such, most people would say that they don’t like advertisements.  On the other hand, many people wear t-shirts or hats with their favorite brand names written across them, and when deciding which detergent to buy in the grocery store often select the brand that they have heard before.  There are many subtle forms of marketing employed in the sale of commercial products.  A customer who chooses one product over another ─ or impulsively purchases something that he or she really doesn’t need ─ without realizing that the choice was due to subtle marketing schemes is a shopping zombie.

Similar subtle schemes are applied in book marketing.  A book zombie chooses one book over another ─ or impulsively buys a book that he or she really doesn’t need ─ without being conscious of the marketing that affected the decision.

Have you ever purchased a book that looked nice or seemed interesting, but where you still haven’t gotten around to reading it?  Have you ever bought a book that you were convinced would be very good ─ because you trusted the brand of the publisher, believed the testimonials on the first page, or the blurb sounded great ─ only to be disappointed later?  If you consider your past book-buying decisions carefully, you might find that you have occasionally exhibited some book zombie symptoms.

The big publishing houses take advantage of much marketing and psychological research that has gone into cover design, word selection, and blurb preparation.  Many adept small publishers and indie authors also take time to learn about and apply these marketing secrets.

Traditional publishers often pour a significant amount of money into cover design because it is so important in catching your attention.  Their covers often use just two or three main colors, just one font style, and one to three striking images that relate to the theme of the book.  Color theory tells them which colors work best together.  Color psychology dictates which colors to use to evoke which types of emotions or to suit which audience.  Even the style of font is very important.  Not only must the key words from the title be legible in a thumbnail, research actually shows that people are more likely to feel agreeable when reading some fonts and disagreeable when reading others.  Careful word selection also plays a critical role.

Many marketing strategies are geared around a five-second rule.  First, the cover has to catch your eye.  You probably notice a particular image or contrasting colors initially.  Five seconds later, if you like the cover, you read the title and inspect the cover more closely.  A short, catchy title helps to get you to click on the book to learn more about it.  Five more seconds pass as you begin to read the blurb.  The description has to grab your attention immediately to keep from losing a potential sale.  Every five seconds through the blurb, your attention must be held.  The blurb’s job is to touch you emotionally because emotional buyers are more impulsive.  The description closes by trying to pique your curiosity so that you will want to read the book.  When you look inside the book, you may find testimonials telling you just how awesome the book is.  Like the blurb, the beginning of the book must catch your interest and stir emotions within you.

Research shows that many people are book zombies to some extent.  Publishers’ tactics are geared toward our natural tendencies.

Snapping out of it doesn’t mean to look for ugly covers and horrible blurbs.  Rather, a lousy cover may be an indication that the content of the book didn’t merit much effort.  Similarly, if one or two paragraphs of a book’s description include mistakes, are not clear, or don’t hold your interest, that doesn’t bode well for a few hundred pages of writing.

You can wake up from being a book zombie and return to the world of the book living with less drastic measures.  You can be mindful of the various marketing tactics that may be used to try to influence you to make emotional or impulsive decisions.  When you discover a new book, you can make a conscious effort to wait until you’ve had a good night’s sleep before you buy it.  This provides an opportunity for your emotions to settle down and for logic to kick in.  You can invest a little more time toward learning more about a book in order to help you judge whether or not it will be a good fit for you.  A few more minutes now might prevent you from regretting your decision many hours later.  When available, you can read a longer sample of the book before you commit to purchasing it.  Very often, you might still wind up reading the same book, but you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that you did so consciously with careful consideration.

Keep in mind that just drawing you into the book isn’t satisfactory from the publisher’s or author’s standpoint.  The book also has to be good enough for you to read it all the way through, and must be very good in order to get you to spread word of it to your friends and acquaintances.  Wise publishers and authors aren’t trying to sucker you into buying lousy books; but they are using marketing techniques to entice you into buying more of their books (which they believe not to be lousy).

Now take the book zombie quiz a second time.  See if you can understand each question and how it relates to the theme of this article.

Why did you read this blog?  Did the title catch your interest?  Did the beginning sound interesting?  I would also ask if the blog was good enough for you to reach the end, but it seems like kind of a moot point now.  But I do hope that you enjoyed it.  🙂

Chris McMullen, self-published author of A Detailed Guide to Self-Publishing with Amazon and Other Online Booksellers

E-readers: A Love/Hate Relationship

She unties the ribbon, peels the wrapping paper off, and opens the box.  What is it?  A Kindle Fire!  That’s awesome!

She turns it around to find the power button.  It doesn’t come on.  Hmm.  Oh yeah, it needs to be charged.  She finds the charger and plugs it in.

A while later, the Kindle is charged and turns on.  Service?  What?  It doesn’t come with free service?  It needs wireless service!  Let’s see.  There is free wireless at the coffee shop, but a router must be installed in order to access the internet from home.

After a trip to the electronics store, she has a router.  It should be easy to install, right?  Where is the modem?  She crawls under her desk, bending her body so that she can connect cables to the back of her CPU, modem, and telephone.  So dirty!  Electronic devices are dust magnets!

It’s time to try it out.  Not yet.  Need to wash those hands first.  What?  Still no service!  Of course.  The hardware is connected, but the software hasn’t been installed.

Where are those instructions?  Setup.  Three easy steps.  She follows the directions to install the software.  She tries using the Kindle again.  It still doesn’t show up.  So frustrating!  Ah, finally!  There it is.  Enter the password.  Ta-da!

Receiving a present sure can be a burden!  But well worth it.  Now it’s working.  Just look at the graphics.  What is that design?  Gears?  It looks incredible!

She wonders what to do first.  Let’s get a book!  Click ‘books.’  That was easy.  Sort by ‘title.’  Wait a minute!  There aren’t any books here.  Where are the books?  Okay, there aren’t any books on the ‘device.’  Better click ‘store.’

Best sellers, popular categories, daily deals.  So many choices.  It’s almost time to start preparing dinner.  How about a cookbook?  That might not be a popular category.  Where are the other categories?  Let’s hit ‘browse.’  Didn’t work.  What?  That’s not a button.  Maybe cookbooks will be a popular category.  She clicks ‘popular categories’ to find out.  Way down at the bottom, there is ‘all books.’

Wow!  This is really cool.  It’s like having a bookstore in the living room, on a bus, or in an airplane.

Huh?  All of the books are in order on a single list.  Where are the categories?  Oh, there is a ‘refine’ option.  Is it an ‘eBook’ or a ‘single’?  What is the difference?  Try ‘eBook.’  Finally!  There is a ‘cooking, food, & wine’ category; subcategory ‘meals.’  Where is dinner?  Ugh!

She puts her Kindle down and logs onto her desktop computer.  She visits Amazon, finds Kindle, and clicks on ‘Kindle eBooks.’  Oh, this is so much easier!  That’s the book.  Kindle for PC?  No, not for PC; for a real Kindle.  Hmm.   There is a ‘deliver to’ option.  What is a ‘cloud’?  This word ‘cloud’ was on the Kindle.  Let’s see…

All right!  There is finally a cookbook on her Kindle Fire.  Need to turn a page.  Oh, it works like a cell phone.  Small picture.  Is there a zoom button?  Where are all the buttons?  That’s power…  When she presses the screen, some touchscreen options come up at the bottom.  She increases the font size, but the pictures are still small.  These other buttons don’t zoom either.  She finds more touchscreen buttons at the top.  Still no zoom, but there is a ‘more’ button.  Must be under ‘display.’  Nope.  Where is the instruction booklet?  She checks the packaging for the instructions.  No instructions!  Which evil genius designed this infuriating gadget?

She touches the picture.  Nothing happens.  She touches it twice quickly.  The picture opens on its own page, larger than before.  What was that?  Double-click to zoom?  It’s not like there is a mouse…

After finding a suitable recipe, she begins following directions to prepare lasagna for dinner.  Why is the Kindle off?  It must have timed out…  She turns it back on and retypes the password.  Incorrect password!  Must have touched the wrong letter.  Try it again.  She continues cooking.

She returns to the Kindle to read the next step.  What is that on the screen?  A smear!  Already?  It’s brand new!  Need to get a screen protector… and a case.

What is that message on the screen?  Fifteen minutes of battery left.  No way!  Dinner won’t be ready for another thirty minutes.  Better find the charger…

During dinner, she reflects on her first experience with her new Kindle Fire.  There was a slight learning curve, but it wasn’t too bad.  She is getting the hang of it.  It’s really convenient.  The graphics are awesome.  It functions like a great big cell phone.  Not only can she buy any book and read it anywhere on a fairly big screen, she can even browse the internet anywhere that she has wireless access.  Very cool!

Later that night, with her Kindle fully charged, she begins reading a science fiction book that she found.  Which is more convenient ─ portrait or layout?  She settles on portrait mode.  Trying to scroll onto the next page, she accidentally turns back a page.  No biggie.  Another time, she holds her finger on the spot a little too long, and the word is highlighted.  A window pops up, showing the pronunciation key and definition.  A built-in dictionary.  That’s amazing!  She also sees ‘note’ and ‘highlight’ options.  Impressed, she tries to do this again with another word.  A display comes up instead.  No, not that.  She tries again, holding her finger in place longer.  Aha!  That’s it.

As she continues reading, she notices that some of the indents are longer than others.  That’s strange.  Why isn’t there a standard size for the tabs?  A while later, she finds a little square in the middle of a sentence.  What is that little box doing there?  How funny.  Several pages further, she discovers a hyphen-ated word in the middle of a line.  Aren’t hyphens used at the end of a line?  In the next chapter, she spots a misspelled word.  Really?  This is the age of technology.  The book is digital.  The author must have used a computer to type it.  Neither the author nor the editor used spellcheck?  How is this possible?

Attempting to scroll onto the next page, suddenly an internet browser opens.  What is going on?  She is reading a book, not going online.  When she closes the internet browser, she spots a hyperlink in the middle of the page.  Oh.  Must have clicked that by mistake.  This book is like a minefield.

The next day, a friend inquires, “So what do you think about your new Kindle Fire?”

She replies, “Oh, I absolutely love it!”

Chris McMullen, self-published author of A Detailed Guide to Self-Publishing with Amazon and Other Online Booksellers