Home of Phones Homophones

Home of Phone Pic

My dog wags it tail when I tell this tale.

No man can know more about fish than you.

My dear, you love fishing more than hunting deer.

You’re the master of your trade.

So you enter a contest, but not to sew.

It’s for fishing, of course, and begins at four.

You don’t know what to do because it’s only two.

It’s not enough time to stay in an inn.

Right then you get the idea to write.

You list in red ink every book you’ve ever read.

Soon the time has passed. It’s half past three.

You reached the blue sea just before the horn blew.

With spirits high, you say, “Hi.”

You agree to play fair. Let’s see how you fare.

If you break the rules, you’ll find that you’re fined.

They count to ten and bang on the tin.

It’s time to see if you can find a big fish in the sea.

You set sail with a boat that you bought at a sale.

Where you go you wear your very best gear.

You use an ant for bait that you got from your aunt.

Your main advantage is your lucky horse’s mane,

Hare’s foot, and magic mermaid hair.

We shall pray for your prey.

The poor fish would rather be stung by a bee.

You caught your fish while napping in a cot.

Even though I’m here, I don’t believe what I hear.

However, I did see it with my eye.

Then you pick it up with your feet. What a feat!

Go this way to the scale. It’s time to weigh the fish.

They’re measuring their prizes over there.

Now we wait to discover the weight.

When will we find out if you win?

Your son is watching anxiously in the sun.

His stomach is in a knot, but yours is not.

You’re the one who has won the prize.

They write your name with a pen on a pin.

They mail it to you by a postman who is male.

You’re our hero of the hour.

Let’s cook the poor fish and pour water on your pores.

Fry the fish in flour. Decorate it with a flower.

It’s time to spice it up by adding some thyme.

When you add a beet, the flavor can’t be beat.

Everyone knows the smell delights your nose.

We wipe our bare feet on your bear rug.

We meet at the table to eat the meat.

The maid has the table nicely made.

Just after we ate the clock struck eight.

Thanks for stopping by. It’s time to say, “Bye.”

 

Copyright (c) 2013 Chris McMullen

Should any educator wish to use the above edition of this poem, “Home of Phone Homophones,” for non-commercial, instructional purposes, it may be used freely for this purpose.

The Entertainment Society

Born bored. But easily entertained.

When bored, cry or nap. Try crying first.

Entertainment will usually come to the rescue.

 

Growing older, less easily entertained.

Need games, shows, friends, television.

Want something to do every second.

 

Sit through a lecture? Practice with drills? No way!

Learn through video games. Entertain during class.

Kiss good old-fashioned learning goodbye.

 

Teach students to rely on constant entertainment,

Not to learn how to cope without it.

Make entertainment the norm, not the treat.

 

In the waiting room at the doctor’s office

What do we do? Get out the cell phone.

Text, call, email, games, internet, apps.

 

The television is the centerpiece of the living room.

This potato needs some entertainment, please.

More t.v.’s in the bedroom, kitchen, and garage.

 

Not being entertained at the moment.

Cell phone battery died. No magazines.

So bored. So unhappy. Nothing to do.

 

Being entertained right now, but still unhappy.

So used to this entertainment. Need something more.

Will it ever be enough? Will always crave more.

 

(c) 2013 Chris McMullen

You Might Be a Stat Junkie If…

Stats Pic

How often do you check your stats?

You might be a stat junkie if…

  • You bought a cell phone mainly to check your stats away from home.
  • You check a different device when nothing has changed just in case that might be the problem.
  • You can’t resist the temptation to check your stats during a movie. Especially, a good movie.
  • You actually spend more time during the day checking your stats than doing anything else.
  • Your spouse calls from the room, “Honey, are you checking your stats again?” And your spouse is right.
  • You checked your stats when you saw this post. Hey, they might have changed.
  • You experience withdrawal symptoms when the internet is down, when your cell phone doesn’t work, when the site needs maintenance, when the phone line is out, or when you otherwise can’t check your stats for few minutes.
  • You’re a member of Stat Checking Anonymous. Or, if having heard the name of this organization, you feel the need to join it, until you realize that it’s fictitious. Even worse, you feel like founding such a program because it should exist.
  • You hardly get any writing done because you spend so much time checking your stats.
  • You check your stats every time even the smallest thing doesn’t go your way, hoping the stats will make you happier.
  • You get out a calculator to see how many sales you’ve averaged per day, or to figure out how many more you need to get back on track.
  • You wish that you could receive an email every time a sale is made.
  • Your stats control your mood.
  • Your muse doesn’t come around anymore because you’re too busy checking your stats.
  • You’ve ever checked your stats twice in a row (or more) because you forgot what the number was as soon as you logged out.
  • You’ve ever cried because your stats disappointed you.
  • You’ve ever walked into a wall, tripped, or otherwise mis-stepped because you were checking your stats while walking.
  • You’ve ever bought your own product just to see the stats change. Then repeatedly became upset that haven’t changed yet.
  • You can’t go to sleep until you finally get that one last sale. And when it doesn’t come for many hours, you start begging for it. Out loud.

Related Posts:

1. I got this idea from Victoria Grefer’s recent post: http://crimsonleague.com/2013/09/15/bloggers-why-you-shouldnt-be-a-stat-junkie/

2. If you missed my previous clockwatcher post, you might enjoy this: https://chrismcmullen.wordpress.com/2013/06/29/authors-are-you-clockwatchers/

Chris McMullen, author of A Detailed Guide to Self-Publishing with Amazon and Other Online Booksellers, Vol. 1 (formatting/publishing) and Vol. 2 (packaging/marketing)

Did You See These Funny Reviews Featured on Amazon?

Did you notice the new advertisement for funny reviews at Amazon? On the homepage, there is an ad that says, “You Guys Are Really Funny.” It’s not an external ad; it links to an Amazon page. The page features 10 different products (only the last one is a book). Each has 3 funny customer reviews.

If you haven’t seen these funny reviews, you should check them out:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/feature.html?docId=1001250201

They are pretty hilarious.

Why did Amazon do this?

  • Perhaps to share something funny and put customers in a good mood.
  • Maybe to help try to improve the perception of customer reviews.
  • Possibly to encourage customers to write product reviews – showing that you can be creative and have fun with it.
  • It could be to generate more reviews of products other than books, since 9 out of 10 of the products featured weren’t books.
  • There might not be just one reason. Or it could just be the first point and we shouldn’t overanalyze this.

Regardless of the motive, this advertisement for funny reviews could have any of these effects. None of which would be a bad thing, really.

In the spirit of these reviews, maybe the real reason is to get more guys to buy products on Amazon, hoping the products will help them with the subject of women. 🙂

Chris McMullen, author of A Detailed Guide to Self-Publishing with Amazon and Other Online Booksellers, Vol. 1 (formatting/publishing) and Vol. 2 (packaging/marketing)

Just a Moment

It’s only one moment. What can it matter?

  • All too often, it’s long enough to disrupt the perfect opportunity for a first kiss.
  • In a race, it can make the difference between a gold medal and last place.
  • It’s just enough time to lose that great idea.
  • One moment can determine whether the game-tying shot lands in the basket just in the nick of time or too late.
  • “Excuse me. Can you please spare a moment,” is long enough for an unexpected sales pitch to cost you a good deal of cash.
  • You might wait for it all of your life, while you pass millions of others by.
  • For light, it may make a difference of a million miles.
  • When you’re bored out of your mind, it becomes incredibly long.
  • But when you’re having the time of your life, it’s gone before you know it.
  • That’s all it takes to lose your temper.
  • On the way to the emergency room, it can make the difference between life and death.
  • In an apocalyptic novel, it will save the entire planet and all of civilization.
  • A moment could be that critical stage between too soon and too late.
  • It’s short enough to forget, yet long enough to savor.

A moment. So short. Yet sometimes so long.

Some of those moments are the most precious of our lives.

The Power of an Inch

Inch Pic

What could you do with one inch?

  • Live another forty years because the bullet just missed your heart.
  • Turn a very long foul ball into a homerun.
  • Squeeze into an old pair of jeans.
  • Score a hole-in-one instead of lipping out.
  • Get your tongue to touch your nose.
  • Make the difference between a tennis ace and a double fault.
  • Scratch an itch on your back that’s just beyond reach.
  • Be just tall enough to block the basketball so it doesn’t fall in for a three-pointer.
  • Store terabytes of information by manipulating trillions of electrons.
  • End the inning with a strikeout instead of giving up a bases-loaded walk.
  • Deliver the mail and shut the gate just before a dog snaps its jaws around your ankle.
  • Edge out a competing horse in a photo finish.
  • Go on the roller coaster with the big kids, instead of crying and watching from the outside.
  • Have your golf ball stay in bounds instead of needing to walk back to the teebox.
  • Entice someone to ask for a whole mile.

An inch. So tiny. Yet sometimes so big.

You can’t walk a mile without first walking an inch.

Cre8ively Writ10

Looking 4 a different kind of cre8ive poem

2 read on a Friday night while stuck @ home?

Maybe this 1 will @tract your @10tion

or /haps it will only cause you frustr8ion!

This won’t suit every1, so feel free 2 write your own.

1 can only please a %age of the readers; others will groan.

12s will be gr8ful 4 the glossary they can find below.

After th@ is a quiz 4 those who don’t want the fun 2 go.

Glossary:

cre8ive(ly) = creative(ly)

writ10 = written

@tract = attract

@10tion = attention

/haps = perhaps

frustr8ion = frustration

every1 = everyone

%age = percentage

12s = dozens

gr8ful = grateful

th@ = that

Vocabulary Quiz:

ca9

*dom

:ial

“8ion

,&er

Quiz Answers:

canine

stardom

colonial

quotation

commander

Chris McMullen, author of the fictional dialog, Why Do We Have to Go to School?