Chef Writer

This writer is just like a chef.

 

He doesn’t use just the same ingredients as everyone else:

His stock is fresher and more extensive, with a secret stash;

It includes a wider vocabulary, many special phrases,

And plenty of combinations with which to spice it up.

 

The writing doesn’t taste bland to the reader:

He chooses each word with thought and care,

Causing the words to flow just as he pleases;

Smoothly for the most part. Pause. Here. And. There.

 

He avoids common foods that often pose problems:

Declining an adverb when a precise verb will do,

Not telling the reader, if showing would be better,

But simply telling when showing would be a distraction.

 

Many former customers have acquired his taste:

They ask for him by name, only eat off his menu,

Follow him if he switches to a new restaurant,

And know they will love it before they even taste it.

 

Chris McMullen, author of A Detailed Guide to Self-Publishing with Amazon and Other Online Booksellers, Vol. 1 (formatting/publishing) and Vol. 2 (packaging/marketing)

The Entertainment Society

Born bored. But easily entertained.

When bored, cry or nap. Try crying first.

Entertainment will usually come to the rescue.

 

Growing older, less easily entertained.

Need games, shows, friends, television.

Want something to do every second.

 

Sit through a lecture? Practice with drills? No way!

Learn through video games. Entertain during class.

Kiss good old-fashioned learning goodbye.

 

Teach students to rely on constant entertainment,

Not to learn how to cope without it.

Make entertainment the norm, not the treat.

 

In the waiting room at the doctor’s office

What do we do? Get out the cell phone.

Text, call, email, games, internet, apps.

 

The television is the centerpiece of the living room.

This potato needs some entertainment, please.

More t.v.’s in the bedroom, kitchen, and garage.

 

Not being entertained at the moment.

Cell phone battery died. No magazines.

So bored. So unhappy. Nothing to do.

 

Being entertained right now, but still unhappy.

So used to this entertainment. Need something more.

Will it ever be enough? Will always crave more.

 

(c) 2013 Chris McMullen

The Publishing Roller Coaster

Roller Coaster Pic

A great book idea pops into your head.

You’re going to have so much fun with it,

Like going to the amusement park.

 

The writing goes agonizingly slow at times,

Like a very long line to ride a roller coaster.

Will you ever get there? No end in sight!

 

You completed the book. Hip, hip, hurray!

Thought you were all done. But no. You’re not.

Like when the line finally takes you indoors:

That wasn’t the end. The line continues inside.

 

So much editing and formatting to do,

Like when the line comes to a halt for repairs.

They don’t know how long, when, or if.

Will it go on forever? Why did we get in line?

 

The book is finally ready to publish. Ta-da!

Like reaching the end of the line;

The thrill of being next. It’s so exciting.

 

On board. Strapped in. The fun has begun.

Up. Up. Up. Way up. A hundred feet in the sky.

Wow. It sure is high up here. Face in the breeze.

What was I thinking? What have I done?

This is insane. Let me off! I’m too afraid.

 

The book just went live. It’s for sale.

Whhhheeeeeeee! Down, down, down you go.

Fast. Faster. Super fast. Scream stuck in your throat.

Exciting. Scary. Fun. Thrilling. Dangerous. Sweet.

 

Some sales comes in. You go up a little.

No sales for a while. Down you go.

The sales rank improves. Back up.

Another pause in sales. Back down.

Some good reviews. Higher, higher.

A bad review. Lower, lower, lower.

 

Sales and reviews finally steady down,

As the roller coaster ride comes to an end.

This sure was a lot of fun. Let’s do it again.

 

Chris McMullen, author of A Detailed Guide to Self-Publishing with Amazon and Other Online Booksellers, Vol. 1 (formatting/publishing) and Vol. 2 (packaging/marketing)

How to Be a Superhero

Superhero Pic

These people have secret identities.

They do normal activities each day,

But every once in a while duty calls.

That’s when they put on a mask, cape, and suit.

Nobody knows who did all these good deeds.

They didn’t do them for fame or fortune.

They just did what they thought was right to do.

 

Bob saw a clever post that caught his eye.

He read it and enjoyed it. Bob was pleased.

Not a single like or follow. Wowwee!

So Bob liked the post and followed it, too.

Then he reblogged it for many to see.

More likes and follows came to the rescue.

It turned into a nice newbie welcome.

 

Suzy found a book with a huge sales rank.

Apparently, it hadn’t sold lately.

That didn’t mean it wasn’t worth reading.

So she decided to give it a shot.

Suzy thought it was a pretty good read.

She couldn’t think why the sales rank was high.

But she spread the word about the story.

 

One book in the search caught Joe’s interest,

But the poor book had just a single star.

Yet Joe didn’t turn his head in disgust.

He clicked on the link and examined it.

It actually looked just like what he sought.

So Joe gave it a try. He liked it much.

He left it five stars, brought the average up.

 

There are many superheroes out there,

Doing good deeds for strangers secretly.

Let us all give you a round of applause.

It doesn’t just involve blogging and books.

Just lending a helping hand when needed,

Or a random act of kindness. So sweet!

Even spreading smiles merits my handshake.

 

Chris McMullen, author of A Detailed Guide to Self-Publishing with Amazon and Other Online Booksellers, Vol. 1 (formatting/publishing) and Vol. 2 (packaging/marketing)

Lousy Post

Not even a picture,

Self-deprecating title;

Just a bunch of words

Strewn loosely together.

 

No insights, no fiction,

Or knowledge to give;

Even lacking humor.

How can it be worth reading?

 

Yet bloggers will view it,

Read it, perhaps even Like it.

Do you really appreciate

Such a humble post as this?

 

(c) 2013 Chris McMullen

Low Reader

Low Reader

 

Low Reader Pic

 

Driving through town in my bookmobile,

With pages of graffiti on the sides,

Telling my story for all to read.

 

Pump up the words!

Pump up the words!

 

Big display screen on the back window,

Flashing words in very large letters,

Helping to spread literacy.

 

How slow can you go?

How slow can you go?

 

Crawling through town at a snail’s pace,

So everyone can read my bookmobile,

Before the words pass out of sight.

 

Read all night long.

Read all night long.

 

The graffiti glows in the dark,

Allowing people to read anytime,

Lighting up the night with words.

 

Can’t get enough words!

Can’t get enough words!

 

(c) 2013 Chris McMullen

If you were in charge of Time…

Clock

 

They gave you the keys

To calendars and clocks;

Change them as you please.

 

You make weeks six days long,

Not seven. You remove Wednesday:

No more hump can’t be wrong.

 

Just four weekdays per week;

We still have two-day weekends.

Will that give you the time you seek?

 

Sixty-one weeks in a year,

Instead of fifty-two;

Reason enough to cheer!

 

Instead of one extra day,

Leap Year, every four years,

You do something different. Yay!

 

Three out of four years,

You eliminate one Monday.

It’s music to our ears.

 

The twelve months you keep,

But make each five weeks long;

And make them all thirty days.

 

When week sixty-one comes,

It doesn’t belong to any month.

It’s time to bang the drums.

 

The sixty-first week marks the time

For standard holiday vacations.

That’s the way the clock should chime.

 

Work eight hours per day,

Thirty-two hours per week;

More time for us to play.

The Squeaky Wheel Poem (+ Marketing Afterword)

Squeaky Pic

As the horses galloped along,

The wheels went ‘round and ‘round,

And the wagon rolled steadily onward.

 

When the left front wheel squeaked,

The driver halted the horses,

And pampered the wheel with oil.

 

The horses galloped along again,

The wagon rolled forward again,

And the driver enjoyed the ride.

 

The left front wheel squeaked again,

Everything came to a stop again,

And the wheel was pampered some more.

 

The other wheels became jealous;

They worked just as hard.

Where was the reward for not complaining?

 

So the right front wheel began to wobble,

Demanding attention of its own,

And the driver tightened its screws.

 

A competition ensued:

The left front wheel squeaked,

While the right front wheel wobbled.

 

Soon, the right front wheel wobbled

More than the left front wheel squeaked.

It had succeeded in hogging all the attention.

 

Until one time the driver did something new:

He replaced the right front wheel with a spare wheel.

The old wheel was abandoned on the wayside.

 

At first the left front wheel smiled smugly.

Then when it was time to squeak again,

It had second thoughts about it.

 

But what about those poor rear wheels,

Who worked no less hard than the front wheel,

Yet demanded and received no attention at all?

 

Marketing Afterword

At first, it kind of seems unfair, doesn’t it?

Ideally, if you are shopping for a product, you would like for them all to be equally visible, with the better product priced a bit more and the worse product priced a bit worse. Then you would decide what you are willing to pay versus what quality you would like. But that’s not the way it works, is it?

You can’t just make an excellent product at a good price and expect everyone to show up at your warehouse the next day. How do people know that you have a product? How do people know that the product is excellent? How do people know that the price is good? They won’t just by being psychic.

The first step is to make the product visible. Every company wants their product in stores where their target audience shops. They all want their products to stand out – put it on the endcap, in the advertisement, etc. Of course, they can’t all be equally visible. Just getting into the store is a big step.

The second step lies in the packaging. The packaging should first clearly show the customer what kind of product it is, then when the customer finds the product, the packaging should stand out from other products like it. It should look professional. It will describe itself in a way that helps to sell it.

Another step is getting people to try the product. If they like it, they may recommend it to others. This begins with a focus group when it’s being produced. Then you need to sell it to stores, get people or businesses to review it, and give away samples or coupons to help get initial customers.

In the end, the more expensive product isn’t necessarily the best product. Packaging and marketing are involved in the equation, too. The perception may be more important than the actual quality, to an extent.

Here is a concept that relates to the squeaky wheel: A company that has an excellent product should, theoretically, invest more time, effort, and money into the marketing. (It doesn’t always work out that way, but the notion does affect purchasing decisions.)

Companies are trying to help their target audience find their products. This is the idea behind marketing.

The company that doesn’t squeak can still sell products, but in this case it’s relying strongly on packaging and referrals.

The less visible the product (like many books), the more important the referrals and marketing.

The company that squeaks is likely to get more initial attention. Unless, of course, it squeaks so much that potential customers tune it out (like tweeting several times every day, “Please buy my product”).

Let me cast this in a different form specifically for authors. You’re not really just a writer. You’re not really a salesman either. People aren’t buying your book for the paper and ink. They’re buying your book for the ideas. You’re selling the ideas (story, entertainment, information, etc.).

The ideas that you’re selling are not just in your book. Squeak your ideas to help sell the ideas in your book. For example, provide related content outside of your book (e.g. in articles), preferably where it will be visible to your target audience. Then your book is simply a way for the audience to find more ideas like it.

If the wheel squeaks and the driver finds a quarter next to the wheel every time it squeaks, the driver is likely to look for a store where he can buy more wheels like that one. You don’t want to give away quarters, but you do want to provide some valuable content to help your target audience find your product.

Chris McMullen, self-published author of A Detailed Guide to Self-Publishing with Amazon and Other Online Booksellers

Be a Knight in Shining Armor

Knight Pic

If you meet people who are down, help lift them up.

If meet someone who could use a friend, be one.

If you see someone in need, offer your assistance.

If you simply smile, it will spread goodness throughout the land.

 

If a friend can use your trust, keep it.

If a friend needs your support, give it.

If a friend reaches out to you, reach back.

If you are a good friend, you will become a legend.

 

If you use a good product, share it with others.

If you watch a good movie, tell a friend.

If you read a good book, review it and refer it.

If you spread goodness, you will rid the land of evil.

 

If you give an inch, someone will take a mile.

If you do a good deed, you may feel like it was punished.

If you make any investment, it carries some risk.

If you invest in a better world, you may discover treasure.

 

If you do not want to wear shining armor, realize that it is optional.

If you do not want to be Prince Charming, be Princess Charming.

If you do not want to be famous, remain anonymous.

If the prophecies did not destine you for greatness, you can still be a hero.

A WordPress Wish to You

All you great WordPress bloggers out there:

If you haven’t already been Freshly Pressed,

I hope your chance comes soon. 🙂

I see many very deserving posts everyday

(In my humble little opinion),

And enjoy reading them.

May you continue to make WordPress

A most wonderful blogging community.