Category entertainment

Oct 7 2013

Your Muse and Murphy’s Law

Muse Murphy Pic

Murphy and your muse are surely conspiring with one another. At least, that’s the case with my muse. The evidence is in.

I didn’t have any writing ideas all morning. One minute after driving away from the house, my muse gave me a great idea for a poem. (I’ll probably butcher the idea when I try to write the poem, but that’s beside the point.)

Fortunately, I have a pen in the car. (Learned from experience.) But not paper. (Perhaps I didn’t learn my lesson well enough.) But we writers are resourceful; I have plenty of napkins.

Now I just need to wait for a red light, traffic jam, funeral procession (now there’s a poor soul whose problem is much greater than my own), train, road construction, or one of the many delays that I ordinarily encounter virtually every time I drive anywhere.

But this wasn’t any ordinary drive. I wanted a red light. I just needed a few seconds to scribble down some words.

Green light. Green light. Green light. Ah, finally a red light. Where’s that napkin? Hey, it’s green already!

Meanwhile, my muse is feeding me more and more ideas for the poem. Then I get an idea for my blog. Then I get another idea for my blog. I know if I don’t write these down, it will anger my muse. She doesn’t like to repeat herself.

Where are all the red lights? How is it possible not to get a red light when you want one? I once drove 70 miles, getting every one of several lights red in two different cities. Oh, but that day I had been in a hurry.

I did manage to reach my destination and jot down some notes on a napkin. Then I went into the restaurant, only to think of yet another idea, with my napkin and pen back in the car.

Very funny, muse. We all know that muses have a great sense of humor. They really put the muse in amusement.

Of course, this isn’t the only evidence. We have storage rooms full of it.

Your muse and Murphy’s law: They’re definitely in on it together.

What has your muse done to you lately?

Chris McMullen, author of A Detailed Guide to Self-Publishing with Amazon and Other Online Booksellers, Vol. 1 (formatting/publishing) and Vol. 2 (packaging/marketing)

Sep 20 2013

Home of Phones Homophones

Home of Phone Pic

My dog wags it tail when I tell this tale.

No man can know more about fish than you.

My dear, you love fishing more than hunting deer.

You’re the master of your trade.

So you enter a contest, but not to sew.

It’s for fishing, of course, and begins at four.

You don’t know what to do because it’s only two.

It’s not enough time to stay in an inn.

Right then you get the idea to write.

You list in red ink every book you’ve ever read.

Soon the time has passed. It’s half past three.

You reached the blue sea just before the horn blew.

With spirits high, you say, “Hi.”

You agree to play fair. Let’s see how you fare.

If you break the rules, you’ll find that you’re fined.

They count to ten and bang on the tin.

It’s time to see if you can find a big fish in the sea.

You set sail with a boat that you bought at a sale.

Where you go you wear your very best gear.

You use an ant for bait that you got from your aunt.

Your main advantage is your lucky horse’s mane,

Hare’s foot, and magic mermaid hair.

We shall pray for your prey.

The poor fish would rather be stung by a bee.

You caught your fish while napping in a cot.

Even though I’m here, I don’t believe what I hear.

However, I did see it with my eye.

Then you pick it up with your feet. What a feat!

Go this way to the scale. It’s time to weigh the fish.

They’re measuring their prizes over there.

Now we wait to discover the weight.

When will we find out if you win?

Your son is watching anxiously in the sun.

His stomach is in a knot, but yours is not.

You’re the one who has won the prize.

They write your name with a pen on a pin.

They mail it to you by a postman who is male.

You’re our hero of the hour.

Let’s cook the poor fish and pour water on your pores.

Fry the fish in flour. Decorate it with a flower.

It’s time to spice it up by adding some thyme.

When you add a beet, the flavor can’t be beat.

Everyone knows the smell delights your nose.

We wipe our bare feet on your bear rug.

We meet at the table to eat the meat.

The maid has the table nicely made.

Just after we ate the clock struck eight.

Thanks for stopping by. It’s time to say, “Bye.”

 

Copyright (c) 2013 Chris McMullen

Should any educator wish to use the above edition of this poem, “Home of Phone Homophones,” for non-commercial, instructional purposes, it may be used freely for this purpose.

Sep 18 2013

The Entertainment Society

Born bored. But easily entertained.

When bored, cry or nap. Try crying first.

Entertainment will usually come to the rescue.

 

Growing older, less easily entertained.

Need games, shows, friends, television.

Want something to do every second.

 

Sit through a lecture? Practice with drills? No way!

Learn through video games. Entertain during class.

Kiss good old-fashioned learning goodbye.

 

Teach students to rely on constant entertainment,

Not to learn how to cope without it.

Make entertainment the norm, not the treat.

 

In the waiting room at the doctor’s office

What do we do? Get out the cell phone.

Text, call, email, games, internet, apps.

 

The television is the centerpiece of the living room.

This potato needs some entertainment, please.

More t.v.’s in the bedroom, kitchen, and garage.

 

Not being entertained at the moment.

Cell phone battery died. No magazines.

So bored. So unhappy. Nothing to do.

 

Being entertained right now, but still unhappy.

So used to this entertainment. Need something more.

Will it ever be enough? Will always crave more.

 

(c) 2013 Chris McMullen

Sep 16 2013

You Might Be a Stat Junkie If…

Stats Pic

How often do you check your stats?

You might be a stat junkie if…

  • You bought a cell phone mainly to check your stats away from home.
  • You check a different device when nothing has changed just in case that might be the problem.
  • You can’t resist the temptation to check your stats during a movie. Especially, a good movie.
  • You actually spend more time during the day checking your stats than doing anything else.
  • Your spouse calls from the room, “Honey, are you checking your stats again?” And your spouse is right.
  • You checked your stats when you saw this post. Hey, they might have changed.
  • You experience withdrawal symptoms when the internet is down, when your cell phone doesn’t work, when the site needs maintenance, when the phone line is out, or when you otherwise can’t check your stats for few minutes.
  • You’re a member of Stat Checking Anonymous. Or, if having heard the name of this organization, you feel the need to join it, until you realize that it’s fictitious. Even worse, you feel like founding such a program because it should exist.
  • You hardly get any writing done because you spend so much time checking your stats.
  • You check your stats every time even the smallest thing doesn’t go your way, hoping the stats will make you happier.
  • You get out a calculator to see how many sales you’ve averaged per day, or to figure out how many more you need to get back on track.
  • You wish that you could receive an email every time a sale is made.
  • Your stats control your mood.
  • Your muse doesn’t come around anymore because you’re too busy checking your stats.
  • You’ve ever checked your stats twice in a row (or more) because you forgot what the number was as soon as you logged out.
  • You’ve ever cried because your stats disappointed you.
  • You’ve ever walked into a wall, tripped, or otherwise mis-stepped because you were checking your stats while walking.
  • You’ve ever bought your own product just to see the stats change. Then repeatedly became upset that haven’t changed yet.
  • You can’t go to sleep until you finally get that one last sale. And when it doesn’t come for many hours, you start begging for it. Out loud.

Related Posts:

1. I got this idea from Victoria Grefer’s recent post: http://crimsonleague.com/2013/09/15/bloggers-why-you-shouldnt-be-a-stat-junkie/

2. If you missed my previous clockwatcher post, you might enjoy this: https://chrismcmullen.wordpress.com/2013/06/29/authors-are-you-clockwatchers/

Chris McMullen, author of A Detailed Guide to Self-Publishing with Amazon and Other Online Booksellers, Vol. 1 (formatting/publishing) and Vol. 2 (packaging/marketing)

Sep 10 2013

Did You See These Funny Reviews Featured on Amazon?

Did you notice the new advertisement for funny reviews at Amazon? On the homepage, there is an ad that says, “You Guys Are Really Funny.” It’s not an external ad; it links to an Amazon page. The page features 10 different products (only the last one is a book). Each has 3 funny customer reviews.

If you haven’t seen these funny reviews, you should check them out:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/feature.html?docId=1001250201

They are pretty hilarious.

Why did Amazon do this?

  • Perhaps to share something funny and put customers in a good mood.
  • Maybe to help try to improve the perception of customer reviews.
  • Possibly to encourage customers to write product reviews – showing that you can be creative and have fun with it.
  • It could be to generate more reviews of products other than books, since 9 out of 10 of the products featured weren’t books.
  • There might not be just one reason. Or it could just be the first point and we shouldn’t overanalyze this.

Regardless of the motive, this advertisement for funny reviews could have any of these effects. None of which would be a bad thing, really.

In the spirit of these reviews, maybe the real reason is to get more guys to buy products on Amazon, hoping the products will help them with the subject of women. 🙂

Chris McMullen, author of A Detailed Guide to Self-Publishing with Amazon and Other Online Booksellers, Vol. 1 (formatting/publishing) and Vol. 2 (packaging/marketing)

Jul 15 2013

Just a Moment

It’s only one moment. What can it matter?

  • All too often, it’s long enough to disrupt the perfect opportunity for a first kiss.
  • In a race, it can make the difference between a gold medal and last place.
  • It’s just enough time to lose that great idea.
  • One moment can determine whether the game-tying shot lands in the basket just in the nick of time or too late.
  • “Excuse me. Can you please spare a moment,” is long enough for an unexpected sales pitch to cost you a good deal of cash.
  • You might wait for it all of your life, while you pass millions of others by.
  • For light, it may make a difference of a million miles.
  • When you’re bored out of your mind, it becomes incredibly long.
  • But when you’re having the time of your life, it’s gone before you know it.
  • That’s all it takes to lose your temper.
  • On the way to the emergency room, it can make the difference between life and death.
  • In an apocalyptic novel, it will save the entire planet and all of civilization.
  • A moment could be that critical stage between too soon and too late.
  • It’s short enough to forget, yet long enough to savor.

A moment. So short. Yet sometimes so long.

Some of those moments are the most precious of our lives.

Jul 15 2013

The Power of an Inch

Inch Pic

What could you do with one inch?

  • Live another forty years because the bullet just missed your heart.
  • Turn a very long foul ball into a homerun.
  • Squeeze into an old pair of jeans.
  • Score a hole-in-one instead of lipping out.
  • Get your tongue to touch your nose.
  • Make the difference between a tennis ace and a double fault.
  • Scratch an itch on your back that’s just beyond reach.
  • Be just tall enough to block the basketball so it doesn’t fall in for a three-pointer.
  • Store terabytes of information by manipulating trillions of electrons.
  • End the inning with a strikeout instead of giving up a bases-loaded walk.
  • Deliver the mail and shut the gate just before a dog snaps its jaws around your ankle.
  • Edge out a competing horse in a photo finish.
  • Go on the roller coaster with the big kids, instead of crying and watching from the outside.
  • Have your golf ball stay in bounds instead of needing to walk back to the teebox.
  • Entice someone to ask for a whole mile.

An inch. So tiny. Yet sometimes so big.

You can’t walk a mile without first walking an inch.

Apr 27 2013

Murphy’s Laws of Writing

Writing

(1) You are more likely to be interrupted when you’re in the middle of a very deep thought. Silencing your phone, sending the kids out, and disabling the doorbell simply inspire Murphy’s creativity.

(2) Your muse will abandon you whenever you need her the most. But don’t worry: She’ll return as soon as you become too preoccupied to write.

(3) Your best ideas are most likely to come when you don’t have anything to write with or to write on. You’re also likely to be frequently interrupted between your moment of inspiration and the moment you’re able to jot it down.

(4) Whenever you correct a set of typos, you introduce some new ones.

(5) The fewer words you write, the greater the chances that there will be a glaring typo.

(6) Your worst typos are most likely to occur in the most prominent places, such as the first paragraph of the book or the book description.

(7) It’s much easier to see somebody else’s mistakes than it is to find your own.

(8) Not checking your preview or proof is like waving a large red flag with Murphy’s name on it.

(9) If you’re not sure about something that you’re writing, but don’t take the time to check, it will probably be wrong. However, if you do take the time to check, it will probably be right.

(10) The more people who read your writing, the greater the chances that there will be an embarrassing mistake in it. Presenting it to a large audience via PowerPoint improves the odds.

(11) After submitting revisions, if you quickly thumb through your book, your eye is very likely to spot a typo.

(12) The more frequently you check your sales report, the more likely you are to be disappointed.

(13) The more frequently you check your book reviews, the more likely you are to be disappointed.

(14) You’re much more unlikely to see a sale post on your report while you’re spending money.

(15) A good review is 100 times more likely to disappear than a bad review.

(16) One stupid comment that you make in the most remote corners of the internet is far more likely to generate publicity than anything else that you do.

(17) If you only have one copy of your file, this improves the chances that the file will become corrupt. The closer the book is to completion, the greater the odds.

(18) If all of the versions of your file are stored on the same computer, this improves the chances that the hard drive will crash.

(19) If you download a program to help with your book without paying attention to where the file is saved, it will be buried in the least obvious place.

(20) If you need to revise your book, but didn’t keep track of the location and name of the most recent file, you’re more likely to reintroduce old typos when you correct new ones.

Chris McMullen, self-published author of A Detailed Guide to Self-Publishing with Amazon and Other Online Booksellers (Volume 2 now available)

Mar 10 2013

TV Golf Tactics

So you’re closely monitoring the scorecard of your favorite golfer online hole-by-hole while you wait for golf to come on t.v. You’re very anxious because he’s in the top 10.

When it finally comes on t.v., it doesn’t. Nope, there’s a basketball or football game going on instead. Golf will finally come on when the other sport finishes.

But that’s okay because there is only 2 minutes left. Except for the fact that the last 2 minutes of basketball or football takes more like 15 minutes.

They even call a time-out if they’re down by 50 points with 1 minute to go! What’s the point of that time-out? To prolong your misery? If it’s a close game, then I would understand.

But then if it’s so close that it ends with a tie, it goes on for another 15 minutes, which of course means a half hour.

Eventually, golf actually comes on. When it does, what’s the first thing they do? Come on, guess. I’ll even give you a few reasonable choices:

(A) Show highlights of Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson

(B) Discuss the weather and how it will impact the course.

(C) Immediately begin by showing the golf.

(D) Do something totally unrelated.

Yep, you guessed it, (D) is the correct answer: The first thing they do is take a sports break to tell you what wonderful things are going on in the world of basketball, football, or hockey.

Wait a minute! Didn’t I just turn on the golf? Is this the wrong channel?

Attention, golf announcers: We turned on the golf to watch golf (as difficult as this may be to believe). If we wanted to know who won a basketball, football, or hockey game, here’s a thought: Maybe we have already watched it!

I can’t remember the last time I was watching basketball, football, or hockey and they took a 10-minute break to tell me what was going on in golf earlier that day.

So when golf finally begins, the player you were watching – who was doing really well when you were following the scorecard online – has since made a few double bogeys and is now totally out of the competition.

Now that the golf is finally on, you don’t even want to watch it.

But I guess this works, otherwise why would they do it?

Maybe if I included 20 pages about baseketball in the beginning of my books (which have absolutely nothing to do with basketball), I will start selling more books. 🙂

With this in mind, I may as well include information about one of my books after my name, even though that book has absolutely nothing to do with golf (nor any other sport). What better way to symbolize the irony, huh?

Chris McMullen, author of A Detailed Guide to Self-Publishing with Amazon and Other Online Booksellers

Mar 9 2013

Cre8ively Writ10

Looking 4 a different kind of cre8ive poem

2 read on a Friday night while stuck @ home?

Maybe this 1 will @tract your @10tion

or /haps it will only cause you frustr8ion!

This won’t suit every1, so feel free 2 write your own.

1 can only please a %age of the readers; others will groan.

12s will be gr8ful 4 the glossary they can find below.

After th@ is a quiz 4 those who don’t want the fun 2 go.

Glossary:

cre8ive(ly) = creative(ly)

writ10 = written

@tract = attract

@10tion = attention

/haps = perhaps

frustr8ion = frustration

every1 = everyone

%age = percentage

12s = dozens

gr8ful = grateful

th@ = that

Vocabulary Quiz:

ca9

*dom

:ial

“8ion

,&er

Quiz Answers:

canine

stardom

colonial

quotation

commander

Chris McMullen, author of the fictional dialog, Why Do We Have to Go to School?